Today

Today is crazy. Most of my days are crazy lately.

The word of today is heartsick.

That's how I feel. My grief is a sickness, and it is infecting me and my life.

My days are blurry and my nights are long.

Today I'm going to the cinema. Today I go pick up my little boy, who's absence these last 2 days has slowly eaten a hole in my heart.

Tonight I will stare at the ceiling and wonder.

Every time I think I'm starting to feel better, something comes and knocks me back.

Today is crazy.

I feel empty. It's hard to believe people can move on from this. We survive, but we will never be the same.

It's hard to believe that Babyness exisited. She was a secret in my mind. But the pain in her absence is shocking.

I'm quite a hard person, I cry over stupid things like films and songs. But when it comes to life I'm quite hard. Death doesn't affect me. People die and I keep on going.

But this... this is agony. Why? Why my daughter.

Paddy Doherty, the gypsy wrote in his book about his oldest son being killed. He wrote that everyone asks 'why me' but he thinks 'why not me. What makes me so special'

That really struck with me. I often think that when people complain 'why me' Well, why not you? Why are you so special.

And even now, I can think 'why not me?' What makes me so damn special? Millions of women lose millions of babies. So why not me?

But what bends my head more than anything. Why Babyness? An innocent child, why her?

If there is some great force controlling our lives, why give an innocent child a life, a heartbeat, and then snatch it away again. What is the point in that?

That pain left behind is just hell. There is nothing I can do to ease it. It's not actual pain, I can't just chuck some paracetamol down me and carry on.

I can't move away from it, like you do with a break up. It hurts for a while then you pull yourself back together and get back out there.

I can't endure it, I don't think. Unlike labour pains, I can't breathe through it and know it will fade in a minute.

It's a constant agony. An open wound. And I don't see how I can heal from it.

Today is crazy...