Children

Children are crazy. Thats all I can say. They are crazy. They turn everything in your world upside down and they are a wonder.

My son is my beating heart. He astounds me every single day.

He was born silently into this world on a dark December evening. He didn't stay silent thankfully. And hearing his first cry was the sweetest sound.

His labour was maybe the only time in my whole pregnancy when I wasn't thinking about his biological father. I'd spent most of my pregnancy worrying about what would happen when he was born between me and Paul (his biological father) But during the 7 hours I was in labour in hospital I was removed from that. It was like being in a bubble.

I'm a bit of a wimp. I have piercings and tattoos, but generally I'm pretty wimpy when it comes to pain. But I found new depths inside of myself. I didn't cry out, I didn't scream. I went into myself pretty much. If I did talk it was in a flat voice, stating something simply or asking for something.

It was wonderful. I can say with utter conviction that I had a birth I'm extreamely happy with. I delievered him myself, even under the threat of intervention. I had next to no pain relief (4 paracetamol and 45 mins of gas & air)

No one, unless they are a parent themselves can understand the sheer terror you feel when your baby doesn't cry. Even as a parent who has experianced that, I couldn't explain to to anyone else. It's like someone has thrown cold water over you. You just freeze. Your entire world stops dead. I saw my son born on the bed and heard nothing. No one had prepared me for that. I knew there were issues, but I thought he was fine.

My midwife moved as though someone had struck her with lightening. Before I could even open my mouth she had picked him up, cut his cord and whisked him over to the other side of the room for oxygen.

All I could do, as people milled around him, giving him oxygen, cleaning him up, making sure his airways were clear was stare at the space on the bed and ask in a choked voice why he wasn't crying.

Then, the sweetest sound I have ever heard started. He cried, a full newborn wail. I like to think other mother giving birth then heard him and smiled, as I had done the previous hours hearing other babies being born.

They wrapped him in a big white towel with NHS stamped around the edges in blue, put a blue hat on him and brought him over to me.

As he was handed him me, my arms were shaking. I was exhasted. But I gratefully took his weight and held him close to me. He had, and still does have the most beautiful eyes. They were the first thing I saw, big and oh so blue.

My head was just empty the only think I could say to him was hello. Over and over. I looked at my mom, to see tears streaming down her cheeks. "Isn't he beautiful" She agreed that he was.

In time a doctor came to me to explain that due to various things surrounding his birth he would have to be kept in for a couple of days and given some antibiotics. They wanted to start that straight away, while I was being stitched up.

So, after a first cuddle that was not nearly long enough, they took him away for his medication and a doctor stitched me up and let me have a bath and get changed.

My family were called. The news was annouced. The only person not called was Paul.

Again, in time, Josh was brought back to me. My poor little boy, who had been through so much before he was even born had a canular in his arm and a splint. I hated that. That day and the 2 subsequent days he had that in I hated it. Why my little boy. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

The first night is really hazy. I couldn't breastfeed Josh and he ended up going onto formula. Things were easier then. He was so small, so cuddly. I hated anyone else holding him. I had waited long enough and I wanted him all to myself.

10 months, 3 weeks and 1 day on from that friday night in december and my little cuddly baby is a strapping almost toddler. The things he has learnt in that time astound me. He can now eat and drink from a cup. Stand, almost walk. Sit up, hold things, talk in his own way. The lastest thing is waving. He can wave hello and bye bye. And he understands those words.

He is not a cuddly baby. He is very independant around people he knows. He's happy to go off and do his own thing. I'm glad of that. I want him to be confident.

The only time I get cuddles is if he's with people he doesn't know, he can be quite shy or if he is tired. And I love every second of those moments. He's a very rough and tumble kinda kid. So as a mum, with a soft mummy side, to have him snuggle into me and rub his eyes is the most beautiful thing.

The only time he still looks like the little baby in the towel is when he sleeps. Like all children he is at his most innocent when he is sleeping.

The amount children change in thier first year is incredible. The amount they learn to do is just amazing. To be born as a helpless infant who cannot even support their own head, to a laughing, running, talking child by the time they are one is just mind blowing.

And they learn all that alone. No one teaches them. I didn't teach him how to laugh, or stand, or pick things up. He learnt himself. Incredible.

But truly, more than anything he is my heart. When he hurts, I hurt with him. When he laughs, I can't help but laugh too.

Children are a most precious jewel.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Hurt a lot of people. The situation with Paul is just a bomb crater now. I'm not sure how to patch it up, make it work, do the right thing for Josh.

That keeps me awake a night. I think of a million things I could say, I could do. And I don't know the right path to take.

I wish I could explain to Paul the impact of what he is trying to do. I wish I could change some of the things I have done. I've not made all the right choices.

But I know one thing for certain, my son, my little Joshua Thomas is my beating heart and I will do the best for him, whatever that may be.

He has opened my eyes to the wonder of the world. Everything is new to him, so he treats everything with awe. Beauty is all around him, and he sits in the centre of my world as the beautiful thing in all existance.