So...

So after leaving this for a few days, I've worked through my issues. I found out this was being shown about and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

Kinda betrayed, these are my private thoughts and feeling, I put them out here because I wanted to try and help people, or have someone help me. And when I found that out, it was like my mask as it were, was blown apart. If I wanted to discuss these things with people I would, and to find out this was being discussed behind my back was gutting.

I felt like I had to censor myself now, so I didn't hurt the feelings of people who might be reading this.

But after thinking long and hard about it, I've realised I don't care. This is my private thoughts and if people are hurt by what I might need to say then thats their problem, not mine. 

So... today i got my tattoo for my angel. As you can see from my picture, I have a star for my son, and I got another star for my angel. This one is purple and shaded, with angel wings behind it and "Our Angel" in the scroll. No DOB obvs. That makes me sad. I was going to get a quote with it, but I think it speaks for itself, and my grief is imprinted in my heart, I don't need it on my skin too. 

I wanted the exact same design as my son's, but this one is slightly different and looking at the pictures (it's on my shoulder) I'm glad of that. They are two different people and that needs to show through. 

I spent the day with a friend and then went to Leeds to pick Josh up from Carl and bring him home. On the way back I was looking out of the bus window and saw a beautiful sun beam shining through the clouds. 

All I could think was that it was Jimmy (drummer for Avenged Sevenfold, died in December 2009) telling me that my baby girl was safe with him. 

I hope she is. I hope he's keeping her safe until I can be with her again. 

I'm finding myself tormented by images of a dark haired little baby, with dark eyes. I imagine my daughter would have had dark hair. Me and Carl both have dark hair. 

The child in this image, is hauntingly beautiful. I can't say she looks like me or Carl, I don't think babies resemble parents, everyone tells me that my son looks like me, but I can't see it. 

But this image does torment me. It's like dangling a what if in front of me. But on a sick level, I feel like its the only link to my daughter, and I don't ever want to forget her face.

I'm turning to music a lot more now. Nothing seems to be helping though. 

The more time passes and the more people forget, the harder it is to smile. 

Talk about my daughter! Don't just ignore her existance. 

I'm trying to smooth over the issues I have with Carl's brothers, its not fair to fight with him, just cos he doesn't see things my way and he expected them to behave this way. 

But I didn't, regardless of how they act towards him, thats his family, she was my daughter too and she deserves some acknowledgment of her existance. 

I guess I shouldn't really be surprised, when neither of them bothered to congratulate us either. 

Selfish men with minds of children I guess. But thats a whole other debate I'm not getting into here. Raising children is a difficult art and no one has ever mastered it yet. 

I want to scream a million things at the top of my lungs. It's so hard keeping everything inside when I don't have the words to discribe them. 

I find myself wishing for a time long past. A time when I was free of responsibilites, where I could go where I wanted and do what I wanted. 

Again, tormented by what ifs. 

I'm not ready to be a normal mum and gf.

I'm crazy, messed up and that shows through in the music I listen to, the words that come from my mouth and the way I view the world .

Suddenly, theres all this pressure to be "normal" I have a child, so I can't get tattoo's or dye my hair black, or get piercings or listen to the music I enjoy. 

I want my son to grow up feeling comfortable in who he is. I don't want bullshit pressure trying to force him into a box. 

I stand up and shout from the rooftops I'm crazy and I love it. 

But sometimes...I wonder how scarily close to the truth that might be. 

No one else can be in my head. No one else will see the world as I do. But people seem very quick to judge. Or to tell me how to deal with things. 

I've had another court letter through. I go back to court in novemeber to review contact between my son & his biological father. Contact that hasn't even started yet. How on earth can it be reviewed!? 

I'm sick of people telling me "oh he might not bother" or "oh, he'll soon get bored" I'm fucking SICK OF HEARING IT! Yes he might, or he also might not. 

Again, people that have no clue about anything trying to tell me how it is. I spent 3 yrs of my life with that person, I think I know him better than you, who have never met him. 

It's just... It just is. Thats life. 

Sleep when you're dead. Live life to the max. 

Or get stuck inside, wishing you were 16 again. before you made a fuck ton of mistakes that led you to here. 

I wish I'd lived when I had a chance, I wish I'd got drunk every weekend, fucked every guy who turned my head. Not been the sensible one. 

Sleep when you're dead... I'm dead inside, do I get to sleep now?