So last night I went to see James Bond with Carl. Quite an honour really. He talks with such reverence about his grandad who is no longer here. They used to go and see the films together and watch them on video together.
He told me last night when his grandad got ill he would go and see the films himself, then buy the DVD and watch it with his grandad.
So I felt quite honoured to share that with him. Maybe it meant nothing to him, but for myself it was such a privilege to share in that and create a memory to go along with the ones he has of his grandad.
For me it was on a par with me taking him to a farm, a love of nature and animals that I share with my grandad. It was nice to build a memory with him and Josh to go along with the ones I have with my grandad.
I was quite sad when he had to leave this morning. Knowing I wouldn't sleep next to him for a few nights was sad. I miss him when he's not around. And today... Today I need him.
Today I've got the letter through about contact.
Paul's contact with Josh is to start on the 1st of December. The day before Josh's birthday. I'm having to re-arrange however, since Josh won't actually be here. I can't see that going down well. But what can I do?
I'm pretty conflicted about all this. It's going to be hell leaving Josh with total strangers. I just want to run away. I want to pretend this isn't happening.
I feel like I've totally failed Josh. I made choices wrongly. Choices that could have stopped all this happening.
But then, maybe it wouldn't. I don't know. I don't know how Paul's mind works. I just feel sick.
My doomsday clock has started counting now. 5 weeks and 1 day til the date as it stands.
And all this comes the day before I'm supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant.
I know it's crazy, but I bought a white candle today. For Babyness. I'll light it for her tomorrow. White is pure, white is innocence.
Crazy I know.
It's hard to believe its been 4 weeks since we found out. Nearly 6 since we lost her.
It seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.
I still miss her with every breath I take. My arms ache for her. I would give much just to hold her and tell her I love her. And to see Carl hold her. His little princess. He is a wonderful dad to Joshua. But Josh was 3 months old by the time they met. He missed that precious newborn time with him.
I would give him that first moment with his child. I hold that memory so dear with Josh. I would give him that first look at the face he'd waited 9 months to see. The face he recognises from a dream. The eyes he sees as his own. The hair he knows is his.
To feel her breathe in his arms and know she arrived safe. To hear her newborn wail and let out the breath he'd been holding for 9 months.
For that I would give much. He deserves that. Like Babyness he is innocent in this. He didn't deserve this pain. He should be grinning madly, telling everyone he is going to be a dad. Not having to tell people I lost the baby.
Life is cruel. It punishes innocents.
But supposedly we are made stronger.
I'm looking up from my knees. I am not strong. I am broken.
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