Life

Life is a very odd thing. People always say its too short, but really its the longest thing you will ever do.

There are various thoughts about when it begins.

Myself, life begins with a heartbeat. I've read different medical ideas about when this is, some say 3 weeks gestation, others 5 or 6. I like the idea of 3 weeks. So I'm going with that. I know for a fact my Babyness was alive when she died. She had a little beating heart and a future planned out for her. Unfortunately it was a very short future.

I like to think, at 3am when I'm staring at my ceiling listening to Carl breathing and Joshua snuffling in his sleep, that she knew how much she was loved.

I often think, when I'm talking about her that I'm putting an awful lot of pressure on a 6 week old embryo. But its not the physical body I'm talking about, it is the spirit. The spirit is ageless and timeless. My Babyness most definitely had spirit. How could she not? She was my child and I am one of the most spirited people my nearest and dearest have ever met (their words, not mine)

She was her daddy's child. Although he is quietly spoken and keep his opinions to his self he has maybe the most spirit of anyone I have ever met. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've heard him shout. But he is truly like steel. He has an inner confidence that says he is totally at peace with who he is as a person.

He awes me. I envy him that confidence. I am not at all happy with who I am as a person, from my appearance, to my actions. I would re make myself in a heart beat. But I am as I am and I cannot change most of it. But I'm not happy with it.

So, as our child, she would have had true spirit. And, as a grieving mother I like to think she knew how very loved and wanted she was and still is.

I ask stupid things of her, as if she is my gaurdian angel. I ask her to watch me and her daddy and guide us through this hell. I talk to her as if she is a real person.

One day I will explain to my son that his sister dances on the clouds and that she is watching over him.

My Babyness's life ended rather suddenly. I don't know what caused her little heart to stop beating. I do know she was dead before I lost her though. I have to believe this with conviction, anything else is too horrific to even consider.

For the most part though, life continues into old age and then any manner of things might end it. Of course, and manner of things could end life at any point.

People say your life is ended when your heart no longer beats. Medical professionals say it is when the brain ceases to function. But for the most part, lack of a beating heart means lack of life.

I have to disagree with that. Life can end at any point and the body can endure. Life ends when the spirit leaves.

My nan is 79 years old. She has lived a hell of a life! Much too long to detail here, but she has seen true horror and done some remarkable things.

Medically she is very much alive, allbeit ill. But she is dead. Her life has ended. Her spirit has left. She finds no joy in life anymore. Nothing reaches her, not even my son. She is simply waiting for her body to catch her spirit up.

I often wonder what she sees during her days, she rarely talks to anyone, prefering to sit in her own little world. I wonder if she sees her family, her youth, her children, her husband as he was on thier wedding day.

But her life is most definatly over. She, and everyone else is just waiting for her to die now. It is a slow torture. We will mourn her when her body is no longer with us. But we cannot enjoy the winter of her life, because she has already left us.

I would give much to give my son the nan I had in my youth. I cherish those memories more now than ever.

The point is, life is too short. It is the longest thing I will ever do. But it is too short to be unhappy.

I lost 3 years of my life in an unhappy relationship. 3 years. Gone in what seems like a blink now. I can't remember the 17 year old I once was.

By contrast, I have lost 7 months in the blink of an eye because I am so happy. Carl lights up my world. We share jokes and stories and a life together.

I would much rather arrive at the end of my life thinking 'thats gone quick!' that disparing over all the things I never had the chance to do.

I might die tomorrow. At 21 years of age.

My last thoughts on this earth would be that I am glad I had my son when I did. I'm glad I didn't wait. He has brought me 10 months of joy. I'm glad I left Paul and started enjoying my life again. I'm glad I met Carl.

There would be regrets, of course. But trivial ones. I try very hard not to regret the choices I have made. And boy have I made some BAD ones.

I don't regret getting together with Paul. I've learnt who I am through that.
I don't regret moving in with him. It was a venture into freedom.
I don't regret having a baby with him. My son is beautiful. Genetics have made him so.
I don't regret leaving him. We would have destroyed each other.
I don't regret putting his name on Joshua's birth certificate. Joshua deserves to know where he comes from. 

Some other trivial things others think I should regret...

I don't regret my peircings. I like them, I like the way they make me look.
I don't regret my tattoos. They tell a story of my life.

I've just found out Paul has a new gf...well they are engaged now. And honestly, I'm happy for him. I can't be sure how real his love is, because I have heard all the things he says to his partner. But I am happy. I hope she can love him for who he is.

The relationship I had with Paul was destructive. We brought out the absolute worst in each other. He is a very unhappy person, going back a long way. He makes other people unhappy because they don't understand him.

I wish him no ill will at all. Even after everything has been said and done. I hope he has found someone who loves his flaws. He derserves that. He's messed up and misguided.

I'm worried what this means for Joshua. Selfishly I want to cut Paul out of our lives and have Joshua grow up with Carl as his father. I want my own family unit, where Paul is not a part of that.

I tell people Paul doesn't care about his children. But I don't honestly believe that. I think he does love them, but he doesn't know how to put them first.

He messed up badly with his first son, being more concerned about his rights as a father than his son's wellbeing. He wanted 50% control over his son's life and when he couldn't have it, he got angry.

He did much the same over Josh, wanted 50% control and when I wouldn't give it, he got angry. I made the choice to cut him out of our lives. I don't regret it.

He surprised me being going through with taking me to court. That tells me maybe he does love his son.

Joshua was concived under a mutual lie. He said he loved me. I said I loved him. We spoke of a family together. But I don't think either of us meant it.

But I know he views Joshua as the outcome of our 'love' and isn't prepared to give up on him. He spent most of my pregnancy with me and had time with Josh when he was born.

The most diffiult thing to try and grasp is that Paul doesn't know how to have a relationship with anyone, any sort of relationship. He needs control, craves it. He cannot function without some form of control.

90% of people are like that, but we can have control over ourself and our lives and be happy with that. But Paul needs total control over everyone. And he will not get on with you unless he can have that. You must be prepared to do what he says when he says it. Go out, come home, go to his house anything.

He is damaged. No other way to say it. His upbringing has damaged him so very badly.

So I worry, what will happen when he can't control Josh? Will he get angry? Stop seeing him?

This is Joshua's life. The things that happen to him now with shape him for the future. I need him to feel safe and secure.

I don't know what will happen to him if he is made to have 2 seperate families.

I'm frightened...

And my life is too short to feel frightened.

I just wish I had the answers.