Alone

Today, 6th October. 

Carl has gone to work today. I'm spending the day and night with my mom. But right now, she's at the hairdressers. Carl is at work. Josh is in bed. So it's me, 2 sleeping cats & Meat Loaf on the iPig.

I've got to go the hospital this afternoon to see my nan. I'm dreading it. I hate hospitals. I don't want to sit for 2 hrs with a cranky & bored baby while my nan ignores us. But we have no choice. 

I've tried to have a good morning with Josh, laughing with my mom and Carl when we went to get him. But its just hollow. 

Everything is just numb. I should be sad, but I'm not. It's like theres a big empty space where my emotions for Babyness should be. Before Thursday that space was filled with love and hope. Now... it's empty. And aching. 

Carl seems to be taking a different approach. Any converstation is met with "It'll be okay. We have each other and Josh. It'll be okay" I think he's just trying to stay stong for me. He cried with me in the hospital. I've seen texts he's sent to his friends, saying he's devastated. I like his attitude of life goes on. Yes it does. But I don't see how it will be the same ever again. 

I've never lost anyone before. I'm fortunate to have my grandparents still. The closest I've come is my babysitter a few yrs ago & we weren't that close, and my mom's bf last yr. We were friends, but he wasn't a big figure in my life. I have my stepdad & Ian was just a friend my mom was seeing (yes...my family dynamic is fucked up) I was sad when he died, but it didn't blow my world apart like my mom. She will never recover from losing him.

So this, this is the first real loss I've suffered. And its the worst kind. There is no body I can bury, no grave I can visit. Babyness existed in mine and Carl's minds. She was our daughter, but our secret. Ofc, other people knew we were pregnant. But as her parents, everything she was, was in our minds and hearts. 

So now, I'm experiencing grief, and its nothing like I expected. Laughing is easy, playing with my son is easy. Going on with my life is easy. Then suddenly a tonne of bricks hits me on the shoulders and drives me to my knees. Your baby is dead. How dare you laugh. Your body killed your child. 

It makes me wonder if I have a fucked up sense of relationships I form. I wonder if I view the world slightly off kilter and these things don't affect me properly. 

One thing that keeps haunting me though, as sick as it is, is that everything I passed, I passed into the toilet. That thought sickens me. That was my child. It's a reoccuring thought that truely sickens me. 

So today is just today. 

Staying at my moms, there is the temptation to get really drunk. I know it won't help. Carl keeps reminding me it won't. But the temptation is there. Maybe I'll have one or two. It won't really makes things better. In the morning, my baby will still be dead.