Introductions... I guess.

So, I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Karlee. I'm a stay at home mom to a wee lad of 10 months old. I've started this blog since me & my partner have just had the horrific news that we've lost our baby.

I thought it might help me to ride out this roller coaster if I could write about it. And I might be able to help some other people going through this in the future by writing down my experience.

So, I guess I should write about what happened. Lay it all out so I can try and move forward.

Me and my partner (Carl) started not trying for but not preventing a baby in around May time. This had a lot to do with us forgetting contraception haha. But we just knew it was right. We're right. You know when you know.

Anyway, nothing happened for a few months. I had my last period on the 5th of August. 

We got a positive test on the 1st of September. 

We were so excited. We rushed out to buy a clear blue digital. "Pregnant 1-2" Over the moon doesn't even cover it! Straight away we went to tell Carl's parents. This would be their first grandchild. Carl is not the father to my 10 month old. But he has been with us since Josh was 3 months old. So he might as well be. (Relations with Josh's sperm donor suck. I'm sure you'll hear more about it)

They were also made up. They wanted a grandchild so badly. They treat Josh like their own. But ofc, they didn't come into his life til he was 5 months old. So they missed the pregnancy/newborn stage. They were so excited. 

My family didn't take it so well. I only my mom and she hit the roof. She didn't think the timing was right etc. But she soon came round & accepted it. 

So there we were. Newly pregnant. Parents to a (then) 9 month old. A whole future ahead of us. I thought it was a girl. I was so sick.

Then, on the 18th of September, every pregnant womans worst nightmare. I started to bleed. Old blood at first. But still frightening. I called my local Early Pregnancy Unit. They booked me for a scan on the 20th. 

The following day, my bleeding got worse. Bright red blood. Fresh. Terrifing. But even then, I didn't think I would lose my Babyness. Miscarriages were tragic things that happened to other people. I'd had a healthy baby. It wouldn't happen to me.

So the day of the scan. I drank too much water & the sonographer was late. Not pleasant. Anyway, they scanned me & then did an internal scan. On that they found a little gestational sac. When I saw the nurse she told me this was consistant with an early pregnancy. 5 weeks or so. They rebooked me for 2 weeks time. 

The next day my bleeding was worse still. But much less that I would lose with a period. I had some cramps. But nothing painful, like I'd been told miscarriage was. Then the clots started. Large clots. 

Straight to A&E. 

The drs there examined me. But said my cervix was closed. I wasn't actively miscarrying in front of her. So home we went. 

This continued over the weekend. The clotting got less, but the bleeding remained constant.

Then on the tuesday. It stopped. Everything stopped. No more blood. My first thought was that it was over. Whatever it was it was over. 

Still at this point not 100% conviced I'd lost my Babyness, but coming around to the idea I guess. I'd bled for a week. Lost clots, some which looked like the drs discription of "products of conception" (which is the cruelest medical term I've ever heard. This was my CHILD!) 

Then on Thursday I had a booking in app with my midwife. That was a nightmare, my midwife looked at my notes on the NHS system, where some brightspark had written "miscarriage" & left, thinking I'd forgotten to cancel my app. 

Anyway, waiting for her to come, I went to the bathroom & passed a blood coloured lump (for lack of a better term) My first thought was that it looked like a mini placenta. There was a tiny bit of blood with it. But that all. I guess my hopes died there. 

My midwife decided to wait until after my scan to do a full booking in app. So we had nothing else to do but spend 7 long days waiting for my scan. 

7 long days of hell. Some days I felt positive that everything was okay. Others I was on my knees, totally conviced I'd lost my baby. 

Eventually the scan day arrives. Early scan 8.45am. The sonographer is late. Half an hour late. Finally she calls us. 

In we go. Cold gel on tummy. Probe pressing on my full bladder. Then "we need to do another internal." 

So I do what I need to do & she starts again. Silence. Long silence. Then... 

"I'm so sorry, its not good news" 

My uterus is empty. My Babyness has grown her wings. My body has failed. Compete miscarriage. Nothing left. 

The sonographer escorts us to a quiet room. Me and Carl hold it together for the time it takes her to leave. Then we fall apart. Hold each other as our world shatters. "It's not good news" 

In time a nurse comes to see us & explain the unexplainable. Our baby is gone. Do we want a leaflet on miscarriage. Keep taking folic acid if we want to try again. Have a period before we try again. Take care. 

We stand, we leave. We hold hands and try not to fall apart. We text people. We can't speak. Messages of love and support come through. 

We go to Carl's parents, who are looking after Josh for us. He's sleeping. I wait, 2 hours. I laugh, I joke. It all seems like a bad dream. We don't talk about it after the first 10 mins. 

I wait, 2 hours to see my son. To hold him close. I remind myself that its okay, I still have him. I can't do anything but hold him and tell him I love him. He's 10 months old. He doesn't understand. 

We decide to let him stay with Carl's parents another night. We go home. 

We go to bed, have sex. Forget, for a little while. 

That was yesterday. Today it still feels like a bad dream. 

"I'm so sorry its not good news" 

Our Babyness has grown her wings.