Anger

Today I am angry. No other way to put it. 

Today I am pissed off at the world and his wife. 

Everyone seems to have moved on and I'm left, floundering. People have other shit going on. My dead child is irrelevant. 

The one that is driving me most wild and is most selfish is my family. 

I was told yesterday to "draw a line" under whats happened, otherwise it be become all emcompassing and my life will fail. 

Listen lady... my life has already failed! I get out of bed because my son needs me. Not because I want to. I get up because I'm a mother and thats what I do. 

All anyone can talk about is my nan. She old, she's hurt herself, but there is nothing WRONG WITH HER! She doesn't need to be in hospital. 

But noooo, lets all get wrapped up in her. Lets forget a family member has DIED here. My nan is attention seeking again. 

I'm so selfish, but y'know what I don't fucking care. This is my life. It will never be right again. 

She doesn't care if we visit her or not. She doesn't care if she's at home or in hospital. So why should I care? 

The people who know, my aunt, can only chuck me a "how are you" when she done talking about my nan. My mom is more caring, but she has her own stuff going on too. 

It just makes me so angry. If my baby had been stillborn people would fall over themselves to grieve (well not everyone, not if leeds had won the fucking cup a couple of days later)  So why, just because my baby was smaller does she not deserve the same. Why do her parents get brushed off & basically told to get over it?

Certain persons who shall remain nameless have almost driven me over the edge. To find out they have said nothing, absolutly fucking NOTHING about the loss of our child has enraged me to the point of explosion. I'm done. Absolutly done. I will make zero effort from now on. 

I hate being this angry all the time.

But I hate the way people have reacted. 

She matters! She was real! She deserves better than this! 

I went and bought vodka today. Walked all the way into town for it too. I wanted the excuse to walk. 

Sat drinking it now. I dunno if its such a good idea. I can drink with the best of them. But I just need the release. My mom offered to have Josh so I can really pissed. It's tempting to take her up on it. 

I know I won't feel any better. I know it won't change anything. It's just a need I have. A crazy one. 

I wish my friends weren't so busy all the time, I'd like to just go out for the day and forget. 

Although, one of my good friends is coming over this weekend. I'm gonna go get a new tattoo with her. 

I'm going to get a memorial for my angel. I hope it will help me lay things to rest a little. So I can start to move forward. 

It's so hard to know where to start, to move forward. As I have said, there is no body to bury. No grave to visit. 

So where do I begin? What can I lay to rest for her? 

I'm hoping this tattoo, a constant memorial to her will help me. She is my child and she should be marked upon my body like my son. 

I don't know if Carl will do anything. I dunno how he is feeling, we've not really talked about it yet. 

We're so numb and its just... hard to find the words. 

Whenever I try and talk all I can hear is those words in my head. Then I can't find the words I want. 

It's so hard. 

Today is a bad day.