Tailing Off

I seem to be tailing off writing this. I'm saddened by that as I find it really theraputic. I shall endevour to keep up to it more though. It does help, even if I talk about other things. It's like clearing space in my head for everything else. 

 Well, almost exactly 3 weeks on. 3 weeks tomorrow morning and now every single person has forgotten my Babyness. Except me. My heart aches for her. The week after next would have been her 12 week scan. Now no one can even mention her. No one asks how I am. I'm probably being rather unfair to Carl... but he hasn't mentioned it. So I'm not a mind reader. He has his own stuff going on, starting a new job, mates etc. Ugh mates... theres another thing I'm not getting into. I have very different view to other people. Scarily different.

I'm scared of getting pregnant again. Obviously my cycle has been all messed up. I don't know where I am with anything. I'm terrified to get pregnant again. I don't want to be pregnant again. I have mentioned this... but was met with "oh well we'll just deal with it" Will we? Will we really? You might! I won't!

I just feel very small. Small compared to everything going on. Everyone has moved on and is dealing with their own stuff. Some of that I'm expected to deal with too. It's difficult. 

Christmas is coming up, I hate christmas. I have a bucket load of christmas presents to buy for people. 

I hate the actual day. Sitting around with a bunch of people I'm not keen on, watching them pass round MY son like he's property. It was the same last year. People trying to mother him. I HATE HATE HATE it! My grandad has taken to calling him "my baby" Uhh...he's not yours he's mine! I am his mother. I carried him for 9 months, I gave birth to him, I have raised him. He's mine! 

I just want to sleep the day away. I don't feel festive. 

I'm sick of feeling like I'm battling people at every turn over how to raise MY child. And he is mine! I am his MOTHER! 

And this of course, is all going to intensify by the fact I'm am going back to court with Josh's biological father in November.

That whole situation totally bends my head. He has taken me to court... And WON for the right to see his "child" A child he wasn't interested in when he was allowed to see him. 

And now, I will have to let that vile scum take my child away, to his vile family/friends. And I have no say over what happens. No say over who is around my son. No say over any aspect of his life while he is with that... person. 

I hate that, I hate the loss of control. I hate that I failed my son. Massivly failed him. 

I just feel miserable. That totally sums it up. I'm free falling into depression. 

Thats exactly how I feel, its a free fall. I can't stop it. There is no safety net. 

What will happen when I hit rock bottom? 

How can others seem to enjoy life after this? 

Carl went out with his mates & said thats exactly what he needed. How can he do that? Just go out, have fun and forget? HIS FUCKING CHILD IS DEAD! 

I don't begrudge him that one tiny little bit, if that helps then great. I wish I could do the same. 

This is a free fall.