The Morning After

So, the morning after. Friday 5th of October. 

Surprisingly I managed to sleep okay. Josh was still out, me & Carl stayed up watching crap tv, fell into bed & slept okay. 

Friday morning. Woke up, had a quicky, as you do. Its the only thing thats helping at the moment, for both of us I think. It helps us forget. 

I had someone coming to collect some wardrobes I'd sold, and Carl's parents were bringing Josh back early. So we lazed around in bed til his mom called to say they were nearly there. 

Get up. Get dressed. Go meet them. 

Get Josh home, play around with him. Try and keep life normal for him. Put him to bed after his dinner. 

Find out that the people for the wardrobes are nearly here. Rush around to get them emptied and downstairs. 

Inside Josh's wardrobe are all the bits we'd saved for this baby. Baby walker, bouncer, baby chair, playmat. All not needed anymore. 

After the wardrobes are gone, there is no space for these things in Josh's room. So we put them in the loft. 

Every single thing that went into my loft yesterday was like stabbing myself. Not needed anymore. No Babyness to roll around on that playmat like Josh. No Babyness to jump in that bouncer and laugh. No Babyness to crash around the house learning to stand and walk. 

Empty. "I'm so sorry, it's not good news" 

I'm just crushed. So we do the only thing we can. Put Josh in his pram and go out. 

I must be stupid, we're shopping for a fire guard. Mothercare. Toys R Us. Prams, cots, clothes. BABIES! 

I must be stupid. 

All I can think walking around is that I feel sick. I'm looking at girl clothes and literally aching for my baby girl. Looking at twin prams and I want to fall to my knees and sob. I want my baby back! I want to be pregnant still. I should be looking forward to my 12 week scan. Not mourning for a life not lived. 

We go to Asda to buy Josh a new winter coat and hat/gloves. Looking round I get a call from my mom, my nan has been taken in to hospital after a fall. No news yet, but she'll be okay. 

Great, now I have to act like everything is okay even more so. Cos everyone is wrapped up in her. I just want to scream "My baby is dead!" How dare life go on. 

My mom took Josh to hers for the night. I constructed the new fire gaurd. Carl watched the soaps, which are all full of babies and pregnant people. 

I asked him how he could watch them, he laughed and said he can't stop watching them. I laughed too, he's so tv obssessed. It guess some normality is good.